TTO

Tracey Ullman's State of the Union

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Reviews, guides and commentaries for the award-winning series

Season 2

1.  April 12 2009

• 4:59 AM in Buffalo:  morning anchorwoman Linda Alvarez is preparing to go on the air, noting that it's Fashion Week in Paris, again, and wondering if the man in the whiplash collar is Karl Lagerfeld or Ed McMahon.  The newscast begins, and the lead stories deal with coping with the economic downturn, including ways to stretch your food budget while keeping high fiber contact (hint: it involves beans). It's 5 AM and 5 below... [it's not always 5 below in Buffalo -- RR]
• 6:30 AM in Crawford, Texas: former First Lady Laura Bush is awake and greeting the new day (the former president is still asleep).  Looking out the window, she sees "scorched earth" and misses those DC drizzles.  She stubs her toe on a sideboard from Malaysia that was a gift from their days in the White House; it's too big for the room.  Guess it's time to hold a garage sale.  While complaining that it's too hot for the kimono she received from the wife of the Japanese prime minister, she reminds W. of the time he asked why there are no old buildings in Hiroshima.  At least there was no grief about her smoking in the Presidential Suite... [kinda cruel, that "no old buildings in Hiroshima" jab -- RR]
• Opening titles: unchanged from season 1
• 8 AM: On a flight inbound from Europe to O'Hare Airport in Chicago, veteran flight attendants Dee McNally and Candy Cantwell (Jo Ann Harris) are not in the greatest mood.  When one of passengers calls for an attendant, Dee gets on the intercom and reminds them that the call button is for emergencies only, that it's $5 per emergency and that the flight attendants do not carry change.  Apparently, refrigerating insulin does not qualify as an emergency.  She and Candy attempt to read the label of a new anti-wrinkle cream (if their arms are long enough, that is).  Candy's been trying to get pregnant by a gay steward from Lufthansa and thinks she may be lucky this time. But the cabin passengers won't be lucky; they have to prepare the cabin for landing. [ I find myself repulsed by their attitude and would not want to be on their flight. At the same time, as someone who's been on the job for many years but is not in a position to retire, I can identify with them -- that, and the too-short arms.  The getting-pregnant-by-gay-stewart storyline has been used before, in the first season of "Tracey Takes On", although this gives a different take on it.  As for the nickel-and-diming of passengers by the airline, I can believe it -- RR]
• In Palm Beach, filming has started on a new reality TV show featuring Heather Mills, ex-wife of Paul McCartney.  Today, the opening sequence is being shot. It has strong overtones of the opening to The Mary Tyler Moore Show, even down to Heather taking her artificial limb and tossing it into the air.  It's a good take, and the crew disperses.  Only thing is, no one is bothering to retrieve Heather's limb, leaving her hopping around on the set.  "Is everyone a bloody McCartney fan?" she complains; "You don't know the real story!" [good sight gag for a not-very-sympathetic character -- RR]
• At O'Hare Airport, TSA agent Chanel Monticello is still offering medical services for the underinsured.  Today's client is flight attendant Candy Cantwell, lying in the X-ray machine looking for confirmation of a pregnancy.  Unfortunately, it is not to be.  Her bones are in great shape ("that's the Boniva working"), but there is no bun in the oven.  Candy was so sure she was pregnant, for she's missed several periods; more likely, according to "nurse Chanel", it was "deep, deep menopause." [Chanel may be coming into her own -- RR]
• Pundit Arianna Huffington is speaking to the president, checking if her housewarming gift (the moussaka warmer) arrived and offering a suggestion for special envoy to Greece, someone who is very familiar with the culture and the situation there, someone like -- herself, perhaps.  But it seems the president is going a different way: Meryl Streep.  It seems that appearing in Mamma Mia and looking very good in Spandex tipped things in her favor.  Arianna wonders if she should have supported Hillary Clinton instead.... [I thought this was hilarious when I first saw it via a preview clip; it didn't seem that funny when I saw it in the context of the episode, although it still got some chuckles from me -- RR]
• Lunchtime in Oak Ridge, Tennessee: Padma Perkesh's nephew has come over from India to assist her in the pharmacy.  He has difficulty seeing what's so great about America, especially since India is catching up materially.  Yes, that's true, says Padma, but the greatness of America comes from its spirit, which she proceeds to demonstrate in song ("oh, God", he says, rolling his eyes) -- or should I say fancy production number.  After the number, he's convinced; he'll stay (or maybe it's the all-nude strip bars).  [Padma's song is much more topical than last year's numbers, and it may not sit well with everyone -- RR]
• Back in Crawford in the late afternoon, Laura Bush is starting to price items for the garage sale.  Jenna comes over to help.  Some of the items on the block include a fertility symbol from Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and some Dresden dolls -- er, make that doll -- from Angela Merkel of Germany.  The phone rings; it's Michelle Obama, who can't seem to locate a priceless national treasure: a painting of Abraham Lincoln, his wife, and their son Willie.  Laura remembers it well, describing it in great detail.  She's able to do this because the painting is now in her living room in Crawford.  She assures Mrs. Obama that if she hears anything about the painting, she'll pass the word along.  Then the former president comes in dragging a deer (genetically altered?) and asking for his gutting knife.  Laura's not happy with the blood going all over the Sarkozy love seat....
• 5:45 PM: In New Orleans, still trying to recover 3 years after hurricane Katrina, Celine Dion is paying a return visit and is being interviewed by Larry King.  This part of New Orleans is still pretty bleepy.  Are there any dead bodies still present, asks Larry; there almost was, she replies: her husband Rene, who had an angina attack showing Mayor Nagin around their penthouse suite.  She's donating products to help counter the smell of the indigents and to help with sexually active toddlers [what the bleep? -- RR].  She sings a prayer that's completely unintelligible -- but Larry's impressed. [I know the 9th Ward in New Orleans is not yet what it was, but things can't be this bad.  As someone who grew up in an area recovering from a recent hurricane strike (Ike in 2008), this hits kinda close to home for me -- RR]
• Early evening: In Washington, DC, a network correspondent (who may or may not be Campbell Brown) comments on the Obama girls playing with their dolls in the window, then reports on the national treasures that seem to have disappeared from the White House in recent months, as well as a few other things.  The Bushes could not be reached for comment due to rolling blackouts affecting the Crawford area. [the Bushes are really taking their lumps this episode -- RR]
• Somerston, West Virginia: Mrs. Petrie calls OnStar and asks for assistance starting her Husitsu ultracompact Body Trap hybrid, which has stalled on the road.  She and her husband traded in a Toyota Prius for one of these Husitsus because they couldn't afford the gas on the Prius.  This new car gets 900 miles to the gallon, and based on her driving habits, they figure she would only go through 5 gallons of gas before she dies.  There's just one thing about this Husitsu: it is very small, only coming up to mid-grille on a pickup truck, and you may need the Jaws of Life to get out of it. [Another great sight gag.  But if it gets to the point where even gas on a Prius is unaffordable, then we're in serious trouble -- RR]
• On the return flight to Europe, Dee and Candy are seated.  Oops! Dee forgot to seal the cabin door, so she takes care of that.  Was the news good, she asks Candy; no, no pregnancy.  Try Gary, the pilot on the DC shuttle; his sperm count is really high this month.  But Candy says no, she's done, now that her ovaries have been compared to Sun-Maid raisins.  There's always adoption, says Dee, and they will be in Beijing next week.  Then a passenger comes up for assistance, but the seat belt light is still on, so Candy really runs roughshod over her, with Dee providing backup.  They're feeling better after that, and this will help even more: George Clooney's in 1B and wants to go lie flat.... [I still wouldn't want to be on their flight, but they may be growing on me -- RR]
• Back in Crawford, the backup generator has kicked in, making the house temperature tolerable.  Laura and W. are in bed, and she asks him if he has any regrets about things he's done, if he could have done things differently -- no, not about castrating Barney the dog, but about the big things: letting Cheney and the neo-conservatives run wild in Iraq; getting that torture amendment added to the Constitution; and more or less destroying the US financial system.  W.'s response: "Zzzz." [very pointed political commentary, which might affect one's enjoyment of the sketch -- RR]
• Tag: One more thing he might regret: not signing the Kyoto Protocol.  Temperatures in Crawford in 2020 could be 18 degrees hotter than anyplace else on earth, thus truly making it hotter than Hell.  Good night, America. [one last knife twist in the back of the presidency of Bush 43 -- RR]

2.  April 19 2009

• 4:45 in Wild Spunk, Texas: One of the things that America does well is spawn religious cults, and this morning, FBI agents are at the compound of a polygamist cult taking the children away.  The cult is not identified, but it resembles the Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints sect that was in the news in 2008, and the women resemble those FLDS women with their upswept hair and gingham dresses.  The children (also resembling those women) are reluctant to go with the agent, but one of the mothers, Esther (Tracey) persuades them to go.  It was the arrest of their husband and Prophet Chuck Heslop for consummation with tweens that prompted the raid.  Out come three other wives (Julia Fordham, Vonda Shepard, and X).   Between them, they've had 517 children and 369 C-sections (not to mention pumping over 7000 gallons of breast milk) [I will permit one murmur: Whoa! -- RR].  Now who's going to help with the chores with the children gone?
• At the Benedicting Sisters of Perpetual Adoration convent in St. Mary's, Pennsylvania, Mother Superior Rose Panatella is deep in her morning prayer and contemplation.  On her mind this morning are the polygamist cult women, whose conduct she does not approve of.  Wearing their hair in a prescribed way; wearing the same clothes every day; getting up very early in the morning for prayers; getting down on hands and knees to scrub the floors in cold rooms; fervently hoping for the Pantene shampoo that never arrives; and being married to the same man -- hey wait a minute, what's going on here? This sounds very familiar... [this was a great bit, seeing the Sister realize how similar her life is to those women, when you look at it a certain way -- RR]
• In Buffalo, morning anchor Linda Alvarez reports on Buffalo's own polygamist, who married five women in a secret ceremony in Yonkers.  They call him their Matzo Daddy....
• In flight over the nation's heartland, veteran flight attendant Dee McNally is carrying tissue paper with evidence of a man's climax in the hair of a female passenger.  Third time this week, she says to colleague Candy Cantwell as she puts on the plastic gloves to transfer the specimen to a collection vial.  The victimized woman, still showing evidence of the assault, asks to be moved to another seat.  That's not possible, Dee and Candy explain, for there is no empty seat.  Besides, the man isn't going to be doing a repeat performance any time soon.  Passengers: they get on, and they get off.... [tacky and laced with double entendres -- RR]
• In Illinois, hog-caller Wendy Trenton is going for the championship.  She really lets her calls fly, and with great success: she's won the trophy!  If only her father could have seen her win, she laments; she gives a hog call in his memory. [Kind of silly, kind of dumb, but that's OK -- RR]
• Meanwhile, back at the compound, after the chores are completed, the women are on the porch wondering what they'll do with their children taken away and their husband and Prophet in jail.  Too early for that Two and One-Half Men marathon; how about a song?  They sing the traditional hymn "Down In The Valley To Pray". [Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!  Wonderful singing from Tracey and company -- RR]
• On Broadway, casting and rehearsals are underway for a new musical based on the polygamist cult, Seven Brides for Every Brother.  Renee Zellweger has a starring role, and we see and hear her singing "Down In The Valley To Pray".  But the choreography is proving to be a little difficult, and Renee has a problem with doing matinee performances.... [a little poke at the big-name Hollywood stars who drop in on Broadway and find the going a little tough, perhaps? But Tracey as Renee was singing pretty sweetly -- RR]
• Meanwhile, across the Hudson in Hoboken, Tony Sirico is talking to his agent from the hospital where he's been reading The Godfather to the old folks ("not a dry eye in the house").  He's bemoaning his difficulties in finding work after The Sopranos while casting envious eyes at James Gandolfini and Little Steven's work [do not mess with the master of the Underground Garage -- RR].  Why, he's even willing to do a Weak Stream commercial!  But wait, there's this new musical Seven Brides for Every Brother, his agent reports.  Tony wants to try out for it. [this ought to be interesting -- RR]
• Meanwhile, in our nation's capital, fashion designer Donna Karan is showing off her new design for robes for the Supreme Court justices, which haven't changed much since the Taft Adminstration.  Why, David Souter has been forced to wear William Rehnquist hand-me-down robes.  She notes the cut for access on the robe for Ruth Bader Ginsberg.  Her opinion of the justices?  Well, Samuel Alito is the Naomi Campbell of the group, very difficult to work with, but you put up with him because of his wonderful bone structure; Clarence Thomas is always good with a laugh; and then "How do you solve a problem like Scalia?"  Just then, Justice Ginsberg arrives.  Donna predicts she's say "I've brought kugel"; she enters and says "I've brought challa"; "I was close", says Donna. [not too bad, though I wonder how well this will play outside the US -- RR]
• Meanwhile, back at rehearsals, Tony Sirico is auditioning for the role of the Prophet.  He improvises based on the theme of the musical.  It turns out that his audition is extremely laden with filthy language, language not suitable for a so-called Prophet of God.  He may be giving George Carlin and Dennis Miller a run for their money in the most F-words uttered in the shortest amount of time. [completely unsuitable for the role, of course, but also completely over-the-top and hilarious at the end, like a few episodes of South Park -- RR]
• Back in DC, there's news on the polygamist sect front, but first, the correspondent who may or may not be Campbell Brown offers to bring in the J.Crew package that UPS left for the First Lady.  Now the news: the order to remove those children from the compound has been overturned by the Texas Supreme Court. In a decision laced with a few choice expletives, "Hanging Judge" Jim Lubbock noted that these kids are fenced in and, unlike most illegal aliens, aren't doing meth, shooting fellow students or raping tourists.  Besides, with the lousy economy, there are more important things to worry about now, such as funding soup kitchens for the middle class.  So back home they go!  Tough talk for tough times.....
• Back in Manhattan, designer Miuccia Prada is showing off her latest designs, which are clearly showing the influence of the polygamist compound women.  It's another smash for Ms. Prada as she modestly accepts the raves of the fashion mavens.  "Viva polygamia!" [I don't think this would ever happen -- RR]
• On the west side of LA, Arianna Huffington is tiring of the blogging life and wants to do something different.  It didn't help that George Chikiris got that plum ambassadorship to Greece [last week, it was Meryl Streep; guess looking good in Spandex will only take you so far.  Now if Bill Clinton were still in office, that might have worked -- RR].  What's next, Jada Pinkett Smith for special envoy to Ghana? Yes, actually.  Enough with politics, she wants to take on the stage.  She's also interested in Seven Brides for Every Brother, where Steven Van Zandt has won the lead role of the Prophet, and then she proceeds to sing a number from the show.  But something miraculous happens, points out Agape: her accent vanishes completely when she sings.  Yes, it's true!  She's perfectly understandable when she sings; why, she can even sing "litmus test" perfectly.  It's a miracle!  They go off to celebrate with some ouzo. [unfortunately for her, life is not an opera, and people will consider you weird if you go everywhere singing.  Nonetheless, I like Tracey-as-Arianna's singing voice -- RR]
• Back in Illinois, Wendy Trenton has also done some celebrating with alcohol and is driving home when she probably shouldn't be, and the police pull her over.  Her behavior is interpreted by the officer as belligerent, and so he feels it necessary to use a Taser on her.  She is stunned, but her cries of pain alarm all of the animals in the area. [It is never a good idea to mess with the law -- RR]
• Down in Crawford, Texas, the Bushes are in bed.  George is asleep, part of his 20 hours a day quota.  The phone rings: it's Scott McClellan, former press secretary, who departed on not-very-good terms with the former president.  She moves to the other side of the bedroom to avoid disturbing the ex-president, who wouldn't be happy to learn of this conversation.  Does she miss the White House?  No, except for the rain of DC.  Now McClellan is at the Canyon Ranch trying to lose 60 pounds.  But CNN is calling, and so the call ends.  It's just as well, for Laura has to take another call: it's Valerie Plame.  How's the spying in New Mexico? [I seriously doubt that SOTU is on the Tivo in the Bush household -- RR]
• Back at the compound, it's after midnight, and all of the children have returned except for one: Esther's daughter Luann, who chose to remain behind.  Those middle 30 children can be difficult ones.  Besides, she's a grown woman now; she's soon to be 12 [hoo boy -- RR].  She wishes Luann Godspeed and then starts to sing "That Old Time Religion", joined by her fellow wives. [Some more great singing.  I wouldn't mind seeing them again -- RR]
• Good night, America, and God bless all of her children, from the ones of single parents to those of compound families and all in between.

3.  April 26 2009

• 4:58 AM in Buffalo: Linda Alvarez reports that famous author J. K. Rowling is coming to this country on a 5-city whirlwind litigation tour, looking to crack down on unauthorized usage of the Harry Potter characters and properties.  She introduces a clip of one woman facing a lawsuit.
• In the clip, mother Lynne Garibaldi says that her severely handicapped son is a big fan of the Harry Potter series.  But his medical condition is such that he has to be institutionalized, and in order to get him to enter the facility, she arranged to have the crest of Hufflepuff House placed over the door.  Word of this reached Rowling's attorneys, and now Garibaldi has been served with papers.  Nonetheless, her son still wants to be a "lizard" [perhaps he should want to be a gecko and save on car insurance -- RR]
• At JFK airport in New York City, Rowling arrives at Immigration and Customs.  The guard (Sam McMurray) takes her passport without looking up, reads it, then looks up when he realizes who it is.  He mentions he wants to do some writing and asks for advice.  He gets it: quit your job, go on welfare, go down to Starbucks and start writing.  He would prefer an approach that didn't involved quitting his job.  She says that might work, but probably not. [it's good to see Sam working with Tracey again; he's been doing many of the off-screen male character voiceovers.  The theme reminds me of an early TTUS sketch -- RR]
• In Chicago, TSA agent Chanel Monticello is watching a family pass through the security screening station.  Mother and baby go through with no problems, but big brother [not to be confused with Big Brother -- RR] sets off the alarm.  Chanel puts him at ease, telling him she's like Harry Potter checking him over with his wand.  She finds the water bottle, tells him that could hurt pilot Dumbledore, takes it and trashes it.  iPods away! [Clever thinking there on Chanel's part -- RR]
• Grangeville, Idaho: Rowling and team shut down a Quidditch ride at a potato festival, which was little more than a cheap merry-go-round with broomsticks instead of horses.  Amazing as it may seem, it would have hurt her plans for her own Harry Potter theme park in Orlando.  As she and the legal team walk away, she comments on how a football was painted to look like a Golden Snitch.  Then she praises the "golden snitches" looking out for her interests. [this cheap ripoff deserved to be shut down, but it surely was no threat to a full-blown theme park.  Shades of over-reaction to that unofficial Harry Potter encyclopedia -- RR]
• Crawford: Laura Bush comes back from a "fact-finding mission" and promptly scoots over in front of the air conditioning outlet to cool off (the A/C was out in the Escalade).  It seems that W. is golfing at the Pitch & Putt in Waco, talking to the meth addicts there.  She was looking for sites for the No President Left Behind Foundation, but it's proving a difficult task.  George returns and heads for the library; he's started to read again now that he's left the White House.  He's reading the Harry Potter series, but he's complaining that the books get harder as they go along [heavier, to be sure -- RR].  Just then, there's a brownout and the A/C goes out; it's as if they're living in a Goblet of Fire, she complains.  She bewails the lack of intellectual stimulation in Crawford.
• Park City, Utah: Renee Zellweger is promoting her new film, The World Is Not Magical; The World is Absolute Shite!  She can play British, you know, having been in Bridget Jones' Diary and gaining 40 pounds for the role.  She followed the Kim Cattrall diet for that: eat very small meals, just thousands of them per day.  Look what it did for Kim!  In her defense, she has a slow metabolism -- what is she, 64 now?  [only 53, and she's still well-proportioned -- RR] Anyway, the movie looks at the early life of J. K. Rowling and the ridicule she faced when trying to write the first Harry Potter novel.  She's probably not going to like the movie, confides Renee.  As if on cue, there's word about a lawsuit that cuts the interview off then and there. [ridiculous, isn't it -- RR]
• We then see a clip from Renee's film.  In a Starbucks in Edinburgh, the young J. K. is rolling around some words in her head.  When she is ridiculed for her vision, she vows that someday, the people there would come to her on their knees. 'Why come on their knees when they can get on their broomstick?' is one of the retorts, leading her to conclude that "the world is not magical, the world is absolute shite!" [bitter, aren't we? -- RR]
• Marblehill, Missouri: Rowling and team take care of a mural at the Tom Sawyer Preschool.  As they get ready to leave, she spots a hopscotch grid that is using 9 3/4, the platform number for the Hogwarts Express.  She paints this one over herself. [this is beginning to get ridiculous -- RR]
• In Flatwoods, Kentucky, Miley Cyrus is on the porch with her great-grandmother, who is knitting.  Miley is reading a Harry Potter book, even though she can barely read.  Grammy asks Miley to promise she won't get so rich and famous that she stops coming to see her.  Then as Billy Ray comes onto the porch, she conveys her wisdom about life in song, with references to those Annie Leibowitz photos, creative control at the record label (or lack thereof), and some unnatural family relations [to quote George Harrison, "it's all too much" -- RR].  Billy Ray and Miley flee to the MTV Father-Daughter Purity Ball. [Grammy Cyrus is another character about whom I simultaneously like and am repulsed by -- RR]
• In New York, Dina Lohan is making a pitch about her next reality project.  Lindsay is a mess, Ali is doing OK, but brother Cody is going to be foisted off onto David Archuleta's dad, for she doesn't do boys (except the Jonas Brothers).  Her next projects something small and hairless.  No, it's not Daniel Radcliffe's manhood, it's her fetus.  The pilot is the ultrasound! 24-hour access to her uterus via the Dina Lohan Cervix-Cam©! And the father is Li'l Wayne!  By the time she's singing age, the Coffee People will rule!  Then she takes a call from Ali on an issue with product placement -- rather intimate product placement.... [I sure hope life won't be imitating art in this instance -- RR]
• In back of the White House, the network correspondent resembling Campbell Brown reports on intellectual property enforcement going to far as children ran from horror at the sight of Rowling and attorneys trying to confiscate chalk and crayons.  Grief counselors and ACLU attorneys were brought in to help the children cope. [now this is completely ridiculous -- RR]  At the end of the report, the Obama girls are heard calling out "Hufflepuff"; "Campbell" gives them a "Hufflepuff" back [it seems like the interaction between "Campbell" and the Obama girls may be a running gag -- RR]
• Back in New York, Dina Lohan and daughter Ali are watching Equus.  We see them in the audience at the curtain calls.  Dina has noticed Daniel Radcliffe's underwhelming magic wand but tells Ali they can work with that.  Ali isn't quite sure what the play was about; Dina responds that it's about a young man who really doesn't like horses....
• In San Diego, Rowling and her lead attorney are on the street with a burly homeless man.  She accuses him of impersonating Hagrid, but the attorney questions the value of this accusation.  He's been homeless for over 25 years and been scavenging in the area all this time; he's illiterate; and he's never heard of Harry Potter or Hagrid.  Never heard of Harry Potter? That's a statistical impossibility. [for the people I would associate with, "statistical impossibility" is true, but there are indeed those few who have never heard of the young wizard.  Here, the lawsuits stop -- RR]
• On a plane bound from San Diego for Europe, flight attendant Dee McNally is giving colleague Candy Cantwell a hair treatment out of necessity; turnaround time on the ground was insufficient.  The fasten seat belt sign has been on since Winnipeg.  Time for a rinse and neutralization -- in the toilet [yuck -- RR]
• Later, Candy brings Rowling a drink in the first class section.  There's no lime; don't sue.  Rowling wonders if all of this hypersensitive copyright enforcement is too much, since her work borrows from or is informed by J.R.R. Tolkien and Star Wars. She asks her lead attorney if he agrees, and he does.  Is this his professional and personal opinion, she presses.  Indeed it is, he responds.  But it was all a trick on her part, and she fires him ("Wimp!").
• Closing comments: In the US, the Harry Potter books have sold over 130 million copies, and the films have grossed over $1.4 billion; half of the population believes in some form of magic; and there are 3000 registered wizards in California alone.  Good night, America.

4.  May 3 2009

• 5:15 AM in St. Mary's, Pennsylvania: daybreak finds Mother Superior Rose Pannatela at prayer and contemplation in the chapel of her convent.  She is thankful that the US has elected a black president; she also notes that she's heard that Jesus was dark-skinned.  Would He have had a reality show like P. Diddy? [I certainly hope not -- RR] Food for thought -- food for the soul -- soul food?
• In Buffalo, Linda Alvarez is in an orchard reporting on the disappearance of honeybees.  It's creating a buzz in the scientific community [count on Linda for the groaners -- RR] One bee is still around, though, and flies into her mouth while she's on camera, eventually stinging her there.  Her reactions are caught on live TV -- and the cameraman's reaction? It'll be a hit on YouTube.  Back to Linda, now on the ground as the bee found its way into her pantyhose ("don't touch my ass!") [the thought does cross the mind -- RR]
• In central Oregon, where assisted suicide has been legal since 1994, Enough's Enough clinic operator Penny Landers is consulting with a client, Mr. Jennings. No, he does not have cancer; he's just so tired and fed up, and with prices so high, he can't afford to live anymore.  Penny agrees, with her own experience of high gas prices, a Wii for the cat, and $1000 Neil Diamond tickets. They sign the contract and get the Artie Shaw and fruit punch ready for that final treatment. [there is a slippery slope here, and Tracey is exposing it, showing that assisted suicide is not really a good idea.  Most of the religions would agree.  BTW, Penny really looks freaky -- RR]
• In Oak Ridge, Tennessee, Ingrid Thorville has driven 60 miles to see her doctor, who tells her she has MVP.  Most Valuable Player?  No, mitral valve prolapse, a heart condition.  She may need surgery to have it repaired, the doctor says, but her insurance will cover the costs.  Problem: she and her husband lost their health insurance because of pre-existing conditions: hemorrhoids in his case, halitosis (a.k.a. bad breath in hers).  What to do? [denial of coverage for pre-existing coverage is common, but to deny on the basis of these minor ailments is the height of outrageousness -- RR]
• In Chicago, most flights are on hold due to a computer glitch, leaving Chanel Monticello and colleagues with little to do at the moment.  She recalls other glitches that led to runaway toilets in the terminal -- her butt got hosed real good.  She does have a lot of butt to get hosed, her co-worker observes.  She was actually in many rap videos of the early and mid-90's thanks to her booty, she says, proceeding to demonstrate.  The supervisor may not have been happy with her demonstration, though.... [crazy -- RR]
• In a conference in Taos, New Mexico, the Dalai Lama is being asked about the appearance of another reincarnated lama, the 17th Karmapa, who some are calling the Dalai Lama's replacement .  Before he can answer, though, his publicist Leslie Katz-Cohen ("a Jew who doesn't meditate") answers on his behalf. Yes, she's seen the "crap" about this hot new Lama, but are you going to just toss aside this deeply spiritual man in favor of a peasant from Asswipe, Mongolia who proclaimed himself at 18 months of age?  She then rips a picture of the Karmapa in two and tells of going to the Dalai Lama's compound in India with Richard Gere and Donna Karan.  And whatever happened to the 1st through 16th Karmapas, she asks as she tears another photo.  In response to reports that the Karmapa called the Dalai Lama a one-trick pony, she notes that he's quite versatile.  She proceeds to demonstrate with a handkerchief -- Roy Rogers, the Lone Ranger, Rafael Nidal (or Axl Rose if you're older, or if you're really older, Willie Nelson).  As the news conference ends, she has trouble lifting the Lama and needs some help.... [a better sketch on its second watching; quite irreverent -- if you are a follower of the Dalai Lama, you might be somewhat offended.  I noticed that Tracey did a couple of things from the past in her characterization of Linda Katz-Cohen: the "yeah?" came from her character Ros/Roz from Three of a Kind, and she had done the handkerchief bit on a couple of talk shows before.  I wouldn't mind seeing LKC again -- RR]
• Midday: YouTube has a new hit video on its hands with Linda Alvarez's bee sting folly; it's already drawn over 1 million views.  One of those views is at a familiar pharmacy in Oak Ridge, where the staff are laughing at it.  Padma Perkesh catches them and chastises them (people with allergies have died from bee stings, she reminds them), but then she starts laughing at it as well.  Just then, Ingrid Thorville's son comes in to pick up his mother's prescription for MVP.  When Padma learns of Ingrid's insurance predicament, she suggests her brother's full-service clinic.  Never mind that it's in Bangalore, India; it handles everything, she explains in song.  And for recovery, patients can stay at the Two Seasons Hotel (there are only two seasons in India, the monsoon season and the dry season) [or is it a cut-rate Four Seasons? -- RR].  He thanks her for the suggestion of the clinic and leaves with the prescription.  Oops, there was a $1000 co-pay on it... [a turnaround of the traditional practice of folks coming to America for the best in medical treatment.  Again, much better on its second watching -- RR]
• 3:16 PM: In Albany, New York, Lynne Garibaldi is cleaning her black velvet painting of Frank Sinatra and speaking to it/him.  She was struggling to put her handicapped son in the minivan when she saw a message: Breathe.  It came from the 17th Karmapa.  She meets him in the tent and is drawn to him.  Now she's been a Catholic all her life, but when she and her son saw the Pope at Shea Stadium last year, the experience put her off.  So up goes a painting of the Karmapa.  Sinatra may be the god of her house [can you spell "sacrilege", boys and girls? -- RR], but the Karmapa can be his representative....
• In New York, retired anchorman Tom Brokaw is back behind the anchor desk giving a report and complaining about being retired against his will.  As he speaks, a spider is descending in front of him, but he doesn't notice.  At one point, he exhales sharply, blowing the spider to one side, but the rebound takes the spider into his mouth, and he starts choking on camera.  As the crew rushes to assist him, another crew member thinks that it would be a hit on YouTube. [good impression, even though Tracey can't pitch her voice deep enough to match Tom's -- RR]
• Back in Oak Ridge, Ingrid Thorville is talking with her husband Tom about her health care options.  Actually, she's doing the talking, he's just grunting at the appropriate times.  But that is enough for her to decide to go to Bangalore and have that pig valve implanted.  If she has the surgery here, says her friend Betsy Jean, she'll need to sell everything she owns to pay for it, so there's not really much choice in the matter.  She'll need to get a passport, but not hubby; he's not going. [I wonder if this Betsy Jean is the same one from last year who was neighbors of Irma Billings in Nebraska? -- RR]
• In  LA, the Dalai Lama is appearing on Dancing With The Stars with his dance partner Juanita.  At the conclusion of their swing dance, judge Len Goodman dispenses his comments, saying they danced well together and that the Lama brought a supremely spiritual vibe to the proceedings but suggested he lose the glasses and go for some different garb.  But they were having so much fun out there, he's going to give them a 9.  During the break, he speaks with another judge about money and compares it to a willy; it won't grow unless you play with it.... [not bad -- RR]
• At the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, the final installment of the reality series "So You Think You Can Die?" begins.  The hostess (unnamed, but she is referred to as the Glamorous Hostess in show publicity) is with the final 3 contestants, who are all vying for a chance to die with dignity courtest of Penny Landers and her death cocktails.  The contestants are Peter, suffering from pancreatic cancer, who has gone off his morphine; Susan, who thought she was suffering from a muscle degeneration disease but lost points due to a false diagnosis (it was actually lupus), but is still in the game because she became incontinent during the dance part of the show; and Jeremy, who isn't ailing at all but is clinically depressed.  The votes are in, and Jeremy is sent off, but he vows to kill himself anyway.  The final decision as to who gets to die is -- it's a tie!  Peter can't hold on, though, and he collapses.  The Glamorous Hostess wants him revived; he can't die on his own time. [this boggles the mind.  What's left for reality TV -- the viewers are the jury who get to decide whether to send a convicted criminal to his execution?  Having said that, I wouldn't mind seeing the Glamorous Hostess again -- RR]
• Tom Brokaw's spider encounter is a YouTube hit, but not as big a hit as Linda Alvarez's bee encounter.  She's watching with her laptop in bed and an ice pack on her face.  She's planning to go back to work tomorrow, though, for that bee is creating local Emmy buzz.  Her husband wonders if she can still roll her R's, so she tries it out; she rolls them more than ever.  She then asks him to work on the swelling in her ass -- he might be experiencing some swelling of his own.... [quite understandable -- RR]
• YouTube accounts for 60% of the video seen on the Internet.  Yes, security camera shots of panicked people trapped in elevators are the new American classics -- but don't count out videos of dads getting whacked in the nuts by toddlers with baseball bats.  Good night, America.

5.  May 10 2009

• 4:15 AM: at a market, the day's stock is being reviewed.  Some of it is looking a bit off, such as the raw milk.  No problem: call it "organic", or call the milk "Bolivian creme fresh". [you'll never look at organic produce in the same way again.  It's also awfully bright out for 4:15 in the morning -- RR]
• In Buffalo, Linda Alvarez, seemingly recovered from her bee stings, is getting ready  to start her newscast.  She expresses disbelief at the incident with a construction crane that's claimed 117 lives.  But her lead story is on a different matter: the conversion of human waste into drinking water.  It's not a concept to poo-poo -- or maybe it is!  She throws it to her reporter in the field, Ted Gunderson -- but he doesn't pick up.  Just then, she's given a bulletin: Gunderson was one of those killed in the crane incident.  Quickly, WBFW goes into mourning mode, and Linda is appropriately respectful, but neither is she forgetful of the promotional opportunity.... [a mix of the good and the not-so-good -- RR]
• At an airport, Ingrid Thornville is returning from her surgery in India.  As she clears Immigration and Customs, she explains to the agent why she went to India for the surgery that made her look 20 years younger (no insurance).  Not only did she have the MVP taken care of, she had gall bladder surgery and got a new hip, so she can even perform yoga (and proceeds to demonstrate).  She gives the agent her doctor's card with one of her feet; the agent returns her passport the same way. [seems like a tremendous value.  Is this the wave of the future? -- RR]
• On a plane in Wisconsin bound for Las Vegas, a very large woman is having difficulty getting to the middle seat.  It would be a tight squeeze for anyone but an impossible squeeze for her.  She's holding up the flight as a result.  Flight attendant Candy Cantwell arrives, lectures Y about the problem, but then offers her an upgrade this one time.  They move up front... 
• In Georgia, Staff Sgt. Lisa Penning is home on leave.  This time, it's for 48 hours, her longest leave to date.  She's showing her son Jesse some pictures from Iraq, including a few that look Abu Ghraib-ish (oops!).  They then chat by webcam with her husband/his father, who is on duty in Afghanistan, although he can't confirm it.  Daddy may not be able to make it home for his son's playoff games, but he will get him some new Pokemon cards (too bad Jesse's outgrown them).  During the chat, she notices some incoming rockets and warns him, as he cannot see them.  The rockets strike but do little damage; he's unharmed. [the sacrifices we ask of our men and women in uniform -- RR]
• Noon in the Ozarks: Asma Qassim, the top movie star in Malawi, is in the town from where she adopted her son to save him from a life of stupidity and obesity.  The adoption isn't final, though; she's experiencing some red tape [art imitating life -- RR].  His former day care center wants her to confirm that he's got access to over 500 TV channels, is taking his Ritalin and using his bronchial inhaler.  The answers: all no!  He doesn't need them anymore! And he's lost 112 pounds and is no longer addicted to junk food.  Now she collects some soil to take back to her son and blesses it in a special ceremony. [Yes, things may be better over there in some ways, but would we trade it for our way of life? I wouldn't -- RR]
• Out on Long Island, child profiteer [great expression of a certain truth -- RR] Dina Lohan has a camera crew at her house.  She's checking the latest Internet buzz on her and her family.  Word is that she and her daughters had some tightening done on their unmentionables -- sick!  It might be true in Ali's case, though.  Ali's record producer plays the latest demo, and things degenerate from there.... [degenerate sounds about right -- RR]
• Back in Georgia, SSgt. Penning is meeting with a representative from her mortgage company.  With both her and her husband on extended callup, money's been tight and they're behind on the house payment.  But they've got some equity in the house and want to apply for another loan.  The representative notes that they're the only family still living in the neighborhood, as all the other houses have been foreclosed.  And they don't have nearly as much equity as they thought.  He offers $2000 to buy them out of their house and their mortgage.  She is insulted, overturns the table, and directs him to leave. [to paraphrase a Helen Reddy song, that ain't no way to treat a soldier, no way -- RR]
• 2:40 PM in central Arizona: a soccer mom is showing support for her daughter and her soccer team.  The team's not very good, though it may have something to do with being pushed beyond their limits.  So what if your hip problems may have you in a wheelchair by 40?  It's not this year, so suck it up and PLAY!  She gives her daughter an injection of something and sends her back onto the pitch... [the soccer mom from hell -- RR]
• In Washington, Tom Brokaw reports on a meeting between current and former White House children, as Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton met with the Obama girls amid reports they'd seen the ghost of Sammy Davis Jr. outside the Lincoln Bedroom.  This isn't unusual, Carter and Clinton told them; why, they'd seen the ghosts of Mel Tormé and Jack Lord!  Meanwhile, the Bush twins said they'll visit in a few years to tell the Obama girls about the secret ways to get out and engage in teenage excess.... [a pretty funny bit -- RR]
• It's showtime in Las Vegas, and the stars of Cirque de Soleil are getting ready for their show.  We see one of them, Arnelle, elaborately costumed and padded and acting rather strangely.  One of her partners tells her to cut with the phony accent; six months ago, she was trolling for high rollers at the Mirage.  She retorts that he's a pedophile; and Bon-bleepin'-soir to you too! [crazy -- RR]
• Meanwhile, overweight passenger Vanessa Plug is looking for an open slot machine.  She finds one.  It's going to be a bit of a squeeze, for everyone there is overweight.  But she squeezes in...
• In LA, Dancing with the Stars is under way again, and Juanita has a new partner this week: Lance Armstrong.  Suddenly, there's a mishap, and he's injured!  Len Goodman comments to Juanita and notes the other mishaps recently -- Tiger Woods suffering a career-threatening injury; Portia de Rossi getting injured in an intimate location (better tell Ellen to be very careful)....
• 11 PM: Back in Georgia, SSgt. Penning's leave is about to end, and she says goodbye to her son as he heads off with his grandmother.  Once they're gone, she calls her husband, and they put their plan into action: the Arson March.  It doesn't take long to destroy a foreclosed house with a flamethrower....
• Millions have lost their homes to foreclosure in recent months.  Some have destroyed them; others have just walked away.  The average home takes 3 hours to burn to the ground (30 minutes with a flamethrower). Good night, America.

6.  May 17 2009

• 4 AM, somewhere along the Texas-Mexico border: America's work force is coming to work -- by illegally crossing the border...
• 6:15 AM: In Woodsville, Vermont, a grandmother is minding her baby, while her teenage daughter Chloe is sleeping.  It's time to wake mother up and produce some milk, or else grandma will bring baby to school for nursing.  Seems like Juno has been a bad influence on today's teenagers [OK, will the real mother please stand up? -- RR]
• In New York, professional dog walker Tori Campbell asks for some help from a doorman while she goes for a bite to eat.  She's walking the dogs of the rich and famous and refers to them by their owners' names (Kissinger, Simon, Garfunkel, DeNiro, Scarlett).  She has some pointed comments about "Letterman": he wags his tail one moment then turns on you the next [guess she won't be on The Late Show any time soon -- RR].  Just before she heads off for her meal, she pulls out some dog treats.  But the dogs get too excited, knock her down and end up mauling her... 
• In Connecticut, where same-sex marriage is now legal, Rachel Ludlow is getting ready for her wedding to Jenna.  She's getting her hair styled, and she tells him of their saga -- they thought about heading to Canada to get married, but Jenna wanted to marry in the US, and now they can.  She gets a little buzz on the back of the neck but wishes it could have been elsewhere.... [interesting -- RR]
• In Honolulu, a television museum has just opened an exhibit on Hawaii Five-0 and star Jack Lord, thanks to a major donation of memorabilia from his daughter Jacqueline, who is also the big Five-0.  She shows a painting that she donated of a scene on the beach, which includes her father, herself as a young child, and James MacArthur being made up.  The special tanning makeup is still used by anchormen and -women today.  She shows her father's personal tube of tanning makeup and gives a spray from his can of hair spray (and a few ozone molecules are doomed as a result).  But when the reporter mentions Magnum P.I., Jacqueline takes strong offense.... [definitely one of the more amusing bits -- RR]
• Back in Connecticut, Rachel Ludlow opens a package from her mother: her wedding dress.  Yes, she did fit into it at one time, and now her daughter will be wearing it.  She wasn't sure this day would be coming, and now it has.  But no sports bra today, and definitely shave those pits! [those who dislike armpit hair will not care for this sketch -- RR]
• In Oak Ridge, Tennessee, Padma Perkesh reads a communication from home.  Her parents are still trying to arrange a marriage for her.  She's rejected arranged marriage proposals from home before and will do so again.  She wants to fall in love, to get hit by that bolt of lightning.  The bolt arrives in the form of fireman Bud.  Yep, she's got it bad ("touching the untouchables") [also interesting -- RR]
• 4:05 in Tulsa: Gretchen Pincus, known for serial marriages to African-American criminals facing execution, is at a bookstore signing copies of her book White Widow (337,000 Amazon).  Why does she marry such men?  Because they show full-bodied white women like her some respect, she says.  Any advice for marrying prisoners?  Get legal possession of their belongings; murder memorabilia does real well on eBay... [this is one reallly delusional woman -- RR]
• Back in Connecticut, it's time for the wedding.  Rachel is there, but Jenna is not.  Rachel is getting a little concerned.  Suddenly, a cell phone rings:  it's Jenna, and she's not coming.  Rachel has been left at the altar.  No, it doesn't only happen to heterosexuals. [I guess not -- RR]
• In Austin, Seth Rogan is promoting his latest film, Kink-Haired Ass Cheeks.  It was inspired by something he said on a trip to Fiji with Jonah Hill and Judd Apatow.  Now he was asked by Judd to join the "Members Only" club, but he declined.  He didn't need to show it to get laughs, he says.  Then Jonah Hill comes in and proceeds to chow down on the suite food.  Commenting on his resemblance to Seth, Jonah says they're fat [Seth isn't fat anymore -- RR], they're rich and they're Jews, but the way to tell them apart is, Jonah's ass hairs are straight. Then we see a clip from the film, where Seth's character is speaking to a woman in a resort bar.  Turns out they both have kink-haired ass cheeks [too much information.  And I've never had the least desire to see a Rogan-Hill-Apatow movie -- RR]
• Back in New Haven, Rachel is in the limo when she sees a pickup truck: it's Jenna.  Rachel is enraged.  She tells the limo driver to stop, gets out of the limo, pulls Jenna out of her truck and has it out with her.  There they are, bride and bride, rolling around on the street.  Jenna breaks free and runs off, leaving a devastated Rachel collapsed in the street. [it's never made clear why Jenna left -- unless she had a feeling Rachel would turn into a maniac, like she kinda did here -- RR]
• At the Berkshire Hotel's Society Cafe, cabaret singer Beverly Carlyle is back on stage.  There's an empty mike on stage in honor of her late partner of 62 years, Don Hammerstein.  She sings "So Wonderful" in his memory -- but at some point, she starts to behave as though he's really there [the second delusional woman of the evening -- RR]
• It's the end of the day, and the Mexican day workers (a.k.a. illegal aliens) are heading back for the border crossing.  Rosarita Hernandez is talking to her daughter, who asks her to go back from some Fruity Pebbles... [for her sake, she better not hope the INS isn't nearby -- RR]
• Back in Woodsville, Vermont, grandma is nursing her grandchild.  She was able to wake them up, as it were.  Now shouldn't her daughter be doing this?  Well, she does have school tomorrow.  Then her daughter arrives home from seeing Kink-Haired Ass Cheeks and wants in on the action.  Not on the delivery end, though; she wants in on the receiving end.... [shocking -- but when the theme is "babies having babies", perhaps it shouldn't be.  There will definitely be some offended by this bit -- RR]
• Juno made over $143 million in the US.  Juno is the name of the goddess of marriage and childbirth.  And Juneau is also the capital of Alaska, home to Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol, who's one of 750,00 American babies having babies.  Goodnight, America.

7.  May 24 2009

• 6 AM: a bankrupt funds manager is on a bridge contemplating suicide.  He writes on his car, "Suicide is painful."  He appears ready to jump as...
• At O'Hare Airport, Chanel Monticello is still celebrating Barack Obama's election as president, every hour on the hour.  She talks to a co-worker about the many rappers who've passed through her gate on the way to private gigs around the world.  Coolio was "fully loaded," she reveals...
• In Tempe, Arizona, a young boy has received a checkup from his pediatrician, who is concerned about problems he might develop in later years and prescribes a few drugs to reduce the risk: Lipitor, Norvasc, antidepressants, even a round of chemo for the cancer that'll strike in several years [I've heard of preventive medicine, but this is ridiculous -- RR]
• Battle Creek: Valerie Frumkis, a woman who used to dance on television in the '50s is getting ready for a visit by her grandchildren. It doesn't take much for her to start dancing with her wrinkle steamer...
• We meet Lynne Garibaldi again, and we learn that she is also a historic reenactress (not an extra), telling of how she got started with portraying Susan B. Anthony in a bathtub, then moving on to Jamestown settlers, Hindenburg witnesses, and now Irving Berlin's mother.
• A gymnastics coach similar to Marta Karolyi is training the next generation of Olympians.  We see her working with Kelly, who seems to be no more than 1 year old.  Kelly doesn't appear to have what it takes to be a gymnast, in Marta's opinion.  Maybe diving is her thing....
• In Chicago, Robin Cavanaugh has an appointment with her psychiatrist.  She's irritated that her husband Raymond isn't there (he was the bankrupt funds manager) and distraught over the cutbacks they've been forced to make (borrowing against the Jeff Koons, no more Net Jets, etc.) -- why, she's so dehydrated, she can't even generate tears [we have an incredibly self-absorbed rich bitch here -- RR]
• Back in Battle Creek, Valerie Frumkis awaits the arrival of her family.  They're running late.  The ding of her timer sets her off on another dancing number....
• In Casper, Wyoming, it's after hours at Friendly Ghost High [clever -- RR].  An attractive substitute teacher comes up to a slightly chunky student and asks him to help her with something in the supply closet.  He assents, thinking his dreams are going to come true.  But the truth is different: it's the older Mrs. Minger who wants to have sex with him.  The substitute is involved because she wants a full-time position. And the student doesn't want any position at all with Mrs. Minger....
• In Orlando at the ShoEast expo, Jodie Foster is interviewed about her latest film, "Spongemom Pantsuit".  She's doing it for her kids, she says, for her other roles aren't particularly child-friendly.  And Oscar buzz is flying around [someone get an exterminator -- RR].  We then see an outtake of Jodie in the sponge suit.
• Back in Chicago, it's 8:30 PM.  Robin Cavanaugh has yet to hear from her husband.  She's talking with her daughter, who says a friend told her that daddy's car was found abandoned on a bridge.  The Beijing birthday party is still on, though.  But half the house staff has left after a tiff about the staff cars -- Honda Pilot for Porsche Cayenne, anyone?  This recession is monstrous....
• Back in Battle Creek, Valerie's family never showed up, and she's upset.  The phone rings; it's her daughter.  Turns out that Valerie got mixed up on her dates: the kids are coming over tomorrow as planned; no conflict with her reunion with her fellow dancers from Flavor-Tip Cigarettes....
• Back in Chicago (or Winnetka, to be precise), Robin is still up.  There's a noise at the window; it's her husband Raymond.  Turns out he's faked his suicide as part of an insurance scam and plans to flee town.  But Robin is upset with him doing a poor job of it.  Don't go to the cabim in Telluride or the 200-foot yacht, she warns.  He leaves, but he's pursued by the police....
• In America, 7 million people are on probation, on parole or in jail.  Raymond Cavanaugh won't be one of them, not after his $10 million defense.  But he will spent 45 days of house arrest in the Telluride cabin.

Page written by Roger Reini
©2009 R. W. Reini
Last modified: January 20, 2010